RIP Peace Corps Dream

I have loved my peace corps experience. I am very glad I came and would have regreted it if I had not. But in the end, I have decided to resign and return home. This was by far one of the hardest decisions i have ever had to make. Coming was easy. Leaving is much harder. But after much long consideration I have decided i have to be true to myself. For a while now, I have felt unhappy with the work I am doing here. I love the people and the culture...but I did not come to South Africa just for a vacation. I came to help people with HIV/AIDS and unfortunetly that is not what i am doing. I took a long look at my future projects and what i would be doing wtih my time here and decided it is not what I came here for. I am not passionate about the work I would be doing and believe as a nurse there is no reason i shouldnt be doing what makes me happy. Since being in country I feel like I havent helped people...which is strange because you think peace corps is the ultimate "helping'. but it just didnt turn out so. I feel like i can accomplish so much more using my nursing degree than i could here. also it was hard because my vilalge has had other volunteer and none of their projects lasted. Why would mine? (it was a hard thing to balance staying when everything you do might just go away with you) Its obviously much more complicated than just this...but i love my village, host family and the community I lived in. I will miss all those people dearly. I am happy I did this. but it is time to move on. I will be going back to agency work as a ICU nurse in cleveland. And possibly taking a travel assignment depending. I also applied for doctors without borders. I think this is more my pace and will more fufill what i want to be doing with my life. So this is not the end just a hopefull shift. I am not sure if i'll get in or anything like that. but what is certain in life? Thank you to those who followed my blog and showed their support. i greatly appreciate it. excited to see what the next chapter will bring...

Care Package Wish List

Carepackage Ideas

So here are so ideas for things to send! By no means do I need ALL of this. But just some ideas for the general idea and also surprises are always fun! ALWAYS!

Q tips
tissue packs
ear wax candles * * *
blow up beach balls
map of US/world
milk duds
gum, mints
checkers game
printed pictures of seasons/holidays
mouth wash ***
crest tooth paste
games (to teach host family kids or play on own)
sourpatch watermelon candy
books
magazines
scented candle (vanilla or sugar cookie, pumpkin or cinnamon
cashews
granola bars
instant coffee/starbucks
flavored powder (vanilla/caramel)
single sample creamers (vanilla) (liquid)
instant cappuccino mix
flash drive with movies/tv shows/music (esp new music-no idea what I am missing)
bag/pouch tuna
romen noodles
stridex face pads/face wash (my face is breaking out uncontrollably and I cant stop it!)
crystal light packs
anything light that will mail easy! Non perishable foods/candy
AA batteries
pantiene proV shampoo/conditioner (cant find “white girl” stuff here! blah)

if you need my mailing address please email me at murph619@aol.com

Also you might ask why feeling discouraged? Well so i've been here for 6months in july. I think my feelings are normal I just hope they start taking a turn for the better...but I cannot lie nor help what I feel. So I have been here 5 months and done/helped no one! Which is very discouraging to leave behind a life and family thousands of miles away for nothing? Especially, when I came from a job where I did help people. On a daily basis and I was (for the most part) good at it and loved it! I worked as a nurse, volunteered, helped out with my mom, if you know me u'd know my sisters life was pretty much just a extension of me as a person!!! so to come from a place where I was busy but still found time to help where I could to come here and just literally sit around and do nothing on days on end isnt exactly the most satisfiying of accomplishments. Especially when u have pepole back home telling u ur doing “amazing” work. It doesnt feel too amazing...i eat pap and try to speak another language and have lost all sense of hyigene/sanitation. But nevertheless I am here and have wanted to do this for a LONG time. So trying to make the best of it. Also PC is all about the lifecycle of a PCV so this is supposed to be a down cycle. Apparently you dont start to actually get “work” done until the 1 year mark. Also initially to work on my language and develop trust with my community, I will have to do small little projects that dont seem soo rewarding to build to bigger stuff. I want to start a exercise class. This will help promote health and fitness and hopefully keep me a little more motivated to stay active as well! Another downer here is that, my community has started some programs that I could restart or similar to stuff I could do. But they all just eventually stop because people stop going or the people running it just stop doing it. Which is pretty discouraging considering the whole goal is to maek sustainable change but how do u do that if people loose motivation? I can motivate people but to keep that motivation alive after I am gone...that comes from within the village. And I am the third volunteer in my village, the first at my organization, and none of the previous volunteers projects are still going. Also kinda discouraging! But overall my vilalge has accomplished a lot in the last 10 years. They build a school, got a clinic, started a home based care, started two day cares (kreshes), reduced crimes, stopped selling alcohol/closed shiebeens (bars), insured more reliable taxis, have reliable and good water, getting municipality toliets (outhouses not like US toliet) So they really are driven and get what they want. Currently they want a drop in center for orphans and it looks like they might have found a organization to build and start it! Which would be a great partner to work with! But I have IST in service training next week, so hopefully this will give me a little direction and insight as to how to get the ball rolling. So first two months was training in mokopane, then 3 months at site for integration and my community needs assessment. Now we have IST as kinda a close to that a segway into projects. So hopeuflly this will help refoucus and redirect my efforts. Also my counterpart at my org is never around, she is finishing high school...which is awesome! But leaves no time for me to work with her. But schools done soon so hopefully she will have more free time! I do have to say shes the hardest working women in my village! Shes so proud! So we will see. But “lockdown” this time I am in right now is over after IST, so maybe i'll start planning a big trip! Something to look forward to! And start to get to see more of this beautiful country! I have to say no matter what happens this ahs been a amazing, life changing experience! And i'd recommend PC to anyone still! But just a lot of downtime doing nothing...and also I dont really have friends...which sounds strange...but most volunteers dont have friends in their villages. Life without any friends is different and lonely. I have my host family whos great but I cant just sit around a bs with them like I could at home in the states. I cant complain or be overly sarcastic like I normally am (my charming self i'm sure u all miss :) ) also I have to say...if u know me, sundays are my favorite days for 2 reasons, football and pool days. So I am missing the beginning of my favorite half of the year at home. I love sundays at my parents with family friends over! The wise words of wisdom mabel and mrs. Conroy have given me over the years at my pool are indispensible! (proud worth a heater :)) And they always bring good snacks! Dad on the grill! Cool drinks, hot days, good people...then fall comes and its football sundays...dads chilly, tailgating, leaves changing...but i've had 25 years of these activites and will have many more to come once I am done here. So just trying to remember that! But I cant help miss home! I've surrounded myself with some pretty awesome people! And I realize I miss more adults, aunts, uncles, family friends, family, than I actually do friends! Ha! But I guess at most wedding u go to its mostly family and family friends, and a handfull of good friends...so I guess that makes me pretty much balanced! And those friends I am missing I am missing very much and dearly! Janers, kfud, julie, maura, sims, candee, kam, jean (haha), raig face, bec, balls, andy!!! welp! I think i've rambled on enough for today! Love everyone and miss you all more than u could know! Also...i dont really speak a lot in my village...language barrier and just generally stuff is soo different here half the stuff I talk about in the US would be taboo to bring up here. So I get a lot out here...so just remember to take this all with grain of salt!

HIV/AIDS and Health Care

Health Care and HIV/AIDS

So i've somewhat delayed this blog because I am 100% sure I cannot portray this as well as I would like to. I would first like to say read this with a open mind and try not to be judgemental of another culture. Remember that everything we do and think in the US is our cutlure. I am much more aware here of things that are cultural to me as a american that I never realized until I came and lived in a new culture.

SO, HIV. Well to start with I have learned a lot about the culture of AIDS here. I live in a village and my guess is the HIV rate is somewhere around high 20% ish. Not sure. But the rate is 40% for SA in general. So ergo u sleep with 4/10 people have hiv. WOW. So you think of being at risk for aids would mean being young and single and sleeping around...right? No here the married housewife is most at risk. Which is sooo sad. But its a culture of polygamy. So that means when a man is married he can have girlfriends and multiple wives. Also once married you dont use condoms. But this is normal here. Now you may be thinking that that is wrong to cheat on ur wife...but if you remember this is a third world nation where people are lviing in extreme poverty. When a man takes on another wife, it isnt like he just does it for fun. Here they have to pay a laboloa (bride price-money u pay the girls family to take her as a wife) So the girls family benefits greatly from this arangement. Also, if a man has the money to support another family he is helping someone. Also more women in a house hold can help with the kids, the cooking, cleaning, maybe work or sell food to make more money. This all benefits and helps diminish the effects of poverty. So this has been common practice for years. And women instead of going to school and looking for a job look for a man to take care of them. Here I am 25 without kids and pretty much am old as dirt. So mult wifes ergo mult partners is a way of survival. But so then come the hard part. So no one is using condoms. Well only women here go to the clinics or get tested. Men dont complain or feel pain and can tough out sicknesses so they dont go to the clinics. So a women might know she is HIV positive but will not tell her husband bc he would kick her out of the house saying she was sleeping around. So the women hide it, sleep with their husbands while their husbands sleep with their girlfriends just spreading the disease. And once ur married and not using condoms obviously ur husband isnt just gonna start using them because you ask to. This would be suspicous. Also remember, this culture was not so long ago under apartheid where blacks had no right, so its not like this is some strange cultural thing they are holding onto. People alive today felt and lived the effects of aparthied and changing cultural norms doesnt happen overnight. And mind you lack of jobs and such, blacks were under “bantu” education so they didnt really get a education, and were denied jobs. So if your whole life your told u cant be educated or have a good job, that ur second rate...why one day should u just believe otherwise and abandon a culture that has gotten your people through so much?!?! just try to think about it and not be judgemental. Polygomy has its place here in south africa for good reason. Also another obsticle here is that all the education and training is done in english. Well no one at my org understands english...so not really helpful. But that comes from the top down. Government wants english to be the national language. So while its is a good overall goal...it kinda makes for a catch 22 doing good training and development work that not one can understand. Also grandmas are at risk for getting HIV here bc its custom for them to take care of the sick. And people arent educated as much here on how to prevent spread of HIV and a lot more very sick people stay at home here due to lack of health care. Another issue with HIV is the stigma. No ones dies of AIDS here. People die. There are lots of funerals...but always of natural causes...even when the persons in their 30s....Disclosure and privacy issues is a great road block. People here do not trust that the clinic wont tell other pepole in the village their status. Bc its such a small community. And gossip does get around quickly...i can attest to that! But I am learning so much about why hiv is a problem here and I am uncertain of what the rate is in my village bc men, even on their death beds refuse to get tested. So really we only know about the women. Religon plays a HUGE role as well. Some profits and preist will tell a person they they prayed to god and cured themo f HIV so while people get tested...when someone tells them god cured them, they believe it and stop their ARVs and no longer believe they can spread HIV. Also traditional healers say they can cure hiv...tb as well. But remember...while this seems silly to “americans”. My village just recently got a clinic...so their healthcare and the people that have been helping them and curing them are relgion and witch doctors so why abandon that now just because western medicine came?

With that said. I have to say for how horrible aparthied was...and how my vilalge could really not treat me well for being a white person...they welcome me with nothing but open arms. It is overwhelming how happy they are I am here to help them. They have nothing but when I come to visit int heir home (huts) they give me food, want to feed me, buy me cold drink (soda), give me fruit and nuts. Its just overwhelming to see such kindness and to see how much hope a whole village puts into me just one person (no pressure on my part : / ) My village gets a kick out of things when I tell them men cook and clean, they ask then who works and I explain both-its moer 50/50 in the us. And then I explain how in the 50s it wasnt like that and how we've changed. Etc etc. Also the women here found it sooo fasinating that we have more than just a one size fits all condoms. Explaining a magnum condom in another langauge might have been a high light so far for me! Which also might highlight too why people dont wear condoms here too...

Now about health care...Well to start with I miss nursing!!! I miss giving a bed bath. I miss helping people. I miss patients anoying familes. Even if they were a pain in the ass...in the end I still helped them and their loved one. (even if I complained). With that in mind, I have to say I will never (well prob not never) complain about health care in a merica ever agina.! Here if you cant eat and have a stroke...you die. NO feeding tube...not living will...or whats ethical to keep someone alive...you die if u cant eat. Its realy made me look back at my career and readust a lot of my attitudes and feelings. People also here take death much better than in the US. From going to working at the cleveland clinic a world class health system, to the VA (which at the time I thought was second rate health care and now I realize is amazing) to village health care and my clinc/home based care. I remember hating skills check offs and compitanies...and thinking vets dont get as good as health care as others at the VA. Now I realize all and any health care we get in the US is just amazing and we are lucky to have it. To have options...to have such well trained people. I mean even if a doctor messes up hes still trying to help and that person/patient even had the oppurtunity to get that kind of care is just such a privilage. I am pretty sure this experience has changed my outlook on health care for life. Drasticlly for the better. Like while shadowing my a home based carer, I saw a kokwani (granny) that was mentally ill. She was locked in a hut with a matress on the floor and a bowl of food. Now in the US this would be illegal/seclussion etc etc. But hhere, its really dong the best with what they have. Now part of me just wanted to boil some water and bathe her and feed her. But they dont have gloves, the training, supplies to better this situation. This women has stopped eating and was loosing weight rapidly. So sad to sit their and see. She was also blind and a little deaf. But if they didnt lock her in the room she would wonder. And others have to work for food and money so no one can take care of her. But they try so hard to do the best for her. And I challenge you to think what you would do in that situation. With no resources. Also, people here know I was a nurse. But its impossible to explain what I did...neuro ICU. Doesnt exist in the country...yet alone my village.And people with stroke I took care of wouldnt be alive here. To explain a ventilator, pressors, licox, bowman, drugs, organ donation etc...is just impossible...my job in the US doesnt exist her. There isnt critical care here. There isnt even medsurg or floor nursing. Doing CPR here would be pointless. This just blows my mind. My job for the last three years working in critical care...the things we can do and did...just amazing! And not just at the cleveland clinc, but at the VA, the red cross, the free clinic, and many hospital I was at during the time I did traveling/agenncy nursing.

I am not sure if this makes sense...i just kinda write what I think and try to get across how I feel. Also, I can help be be thankful I was born in the US. I still have a mom today bc of that fact. If I was born here, I would be mother less. No brain surgery to remove a tumor. This is why I feel strongly about national health care...having money shouldnt be a precurser for having the oppurtunity to have life. Even if it might not benefit me, I think as a human being you cant help but feel and understand giving people the oppurtunity for health and life (which actually in my new language mean the same thing and have the same word...i kinda like that) is greater than helping yourself.

I know a lot of people have also said they want to send care packages. While yes I love getting mail...i feel its kinda selfish to spend all that money...when I live in such a poor village. I want and need for nothing. I live very well here. And hardly feel I am “roughing” it. While care packages are AWESOME and really a boost to morale here...maybe just donate the money you would spend to a charity, peace corps, an aids foundation, a homeless person etc. But I will still come up with a list! Its a strange pull...i love mail and packages...yet feel guilty for all I have....even just my knowledge is priceless. Welp I think that is enough for today! For those of u who made it threw all my rambling...i heart you :) Thank you for your support. It really does help on those down days when I feel like I am not doing anything and just not helping enough. I really miss my family and friends back home and sometimes cant help but thinking what I am missing out on. Especially hard to be away from my sister...its scarey how similar yet different we are! But I think I am where I should be for now, so taking it day by day. This is an amazing experience. If youve ever thought about diong something like this DO IT! You will have no regrets! Much love

Four Months In...Only 22 More To Go!

So not sure if this was in the news back home...but PCSA budget was just cut! This blows and it directly effects me! I get LESS money now :( so The facebook and skype chats might come to a end here soon. We will see how this goes.

So being here is still new and different everyday. I am still in my “observation” phase. It is getting more difficult because I do not yet feel like I am doing anything but I guess thats why its a observation period! I have a lot I want to do and there are a lot of areas in which I think I can be useful! I have found a tutor in my village to help me with my language! So that is SLOWLY but surely coming along! I know I really need to develop my language to get anything done here.

So I have a lot of little stories that I thought readers might get a kick out of...They are just some of the culture differences here. So here they are. The other day I was at my org trying to teach a community mapping activity to my project manager as part of my community needs assessment. Welp she lifted up her shirt to show me here skirt wouldnt zip up because her belly is too big. She is too fat. Then she proceded to jiggle it and hold it with her hand to show me the fully effect! Then she stood up to show me a song/dance shes does that makes the belly sing...Ohhhh my! (Mind you this was one of my more producctive days). My project manager also my first day made me watch her nature pee (pee outside). And told me see no problem. (it does amaze me here women will just stop walking down the street and pee-but they stand up and dont squat down like we do back home...and they expect me to greet them still as I am walking by while they are peeing) When she made me watch her pee outside and just pulled over her underwear I couldnt help but thinking I could NEVER see my old manager Jane doing this! She would be appalled!!! The same day as the belly dancing...the ladies I work with all pulled up their skirts to show me their slips too. In the village I live in women do not show above the knee. Actually most dont show the knees either! However, breast are okay. Some women where these little wraps and boobs kinda fall out here and there. Also my host mom just had a baby! (A beautiful baby girl named Ntalo). When she came home with the baby she as topless the hole first day and she still continues sometimes to answer the door topless and walk around topless. Women just breast feed in public here. NO discretion. Also, the little kids run up to the moms and just life up their shirts to get a drink!!! And this is just normal. My host mom was topless, visitors coming in and out, her husband, me her other kids, my host dads mom.

One day I went for a run and played soccer with a little boy. The soccer ball was made out of bread bags and potato sack bags. He also did not have pants on. Just no pants. No underwear. Just playin in the street. The next day on my run he wasnt dressed from the waist up..so I figure he just rotates!

I finally got peed on by a little kid! Babies and kids do not sure diapers here. Some, very few might use diapers or cloth reusable ones but most do not. So this kid was crying and I picked him up. (he was a toddler) and then my side was wet! I see it all the time...moms with wet spots on them. I knew it was only a matter of time. But the distrubing thing is it didnt really bother me and I didnt even go change. ( I may be integrating a little too much!) Also little kids just pee and poo where they want here. There is shit in the dirt street anyways from all the cows/other animals wondering around anyway.

A old lady at my work asked me if I had my flask. I thought this was really strange and someone could tell by my face (yet sometimes I wish I had a flask on me at work...just kidding...kinda of). Apparently a flask here is what they call a metal coffee cup/mugs that keep the drinks warm! I was very confused until someone clarified. I thought the old women was just saying I was drinking booze out of my coffee cup that day. Also that day a male nurse asked to “massage” me. I said no and my supervisor about yelled NO and came and pushed him away. Hum...

I tried to stick to the diet my village eats... which is bread., butter and tea. It isnt pretty! I feel bloated, always feel hungry, have gained some weight! Yeh I stopped. I really thought PC was gonna help me to drop some weight quick...but CARBS CARBS CARBS. Ya know how little kids get that malnurished puffed out belly...well thats what u get from livng off bread!

Babies here. So my host mom just had a baby! It is sooo different here. Babies dont smell like babies in the US do. Its all the baby stuff we buy that makes them smell OHH SOO GOOD! But they do swaddle here! All the time! They keep babies very wrapped up in many many layers! (it is very hot here!) I think this is from a history of babies dying from not being able to regulated their temperatures in africa. I think just years of re-enforcing this has sunk in. I try to explain that we dont dress our babies nearly that warm, even in winter. But babies stay swaddled in 3 layers (usually fleece onsie, hat, swaddle blanket, flece blanket, and a towel-is pretty norm). Whenever I us wrap here to let her little arm and legs move around they all kinda look at me like I do not know how to take care of a baby...which is obvioulsy true bc I am 25 with no children which is VERY old here.

Hygiene. So we eat with our hands! Yet I have yet to see anyone wash their hands with soap! They bring out a little basin of water and everyone rinses their hands in it. They all think I am weird bc I carry hand sanitizer and hand soap around with me. But I wont lie I do not wash my hand nearly as much as I should be! I went from working in a hospital washing them CONSTANTLY to now barely. Also I work out of the clinic..nope. No hand washing! Once in a while I see someone use their hand sanitizer...but rarely. Also picking your nose, farting, burping in front of someone during convo totally normal and not rude at all here!


Also I know a lot of people have asked what i'd like in a care package! I will try to make a list of some good ideas and I will work on blogging about health care here and HIV/AIDS!

Inspired To Blog By My Vakokwani :) FRESH

So too much happens here that is just too great! So i'm just gonna start typing it as I go and then post. but as i'm sure you've noticed...i dont use spell check or proof this. so its just my ramblings so enjoy!

So just now my vakowani (grandma) popped over to see me. Many people pop in to see me. They just come over to say hi, they want to see what I eat, how I live, my room, pictures etc etc. But so today my vakokwani came over and I JUST ADORE her! Shes the cutes little lady so full of spunk! She always soo happy and I just heart her! So today she stops by and none of the family is here bc my host mom is staying at her sisters awaiting to have her baby! And my host dad is with her...and I am not sure where my brothers went...but my host moms sister was staying with us to watch them and she was gone too and the house was locked...Anyways. Go kokwani come over to say hi, she doesnt speak a word of english but shes looking at my pictures I have on my wall an I point out my family and my sisters new baby and try to explain that my sister had the baby 3 days before I left for south africa and showed her a pic of my sister 9 months pregnant and explained that. THEN the women says “Fresh”. HAHAHAH I about died! I always say I love babies fresh out! And my kokwani who knows NO english come up with FRESH!!! there is a reason I love that women! But she wanted to show me she understood what I was saying. Then she picked me some lamula (oranges) from the tree in our yard :) <3 <3 <3 Also my boss's son brought me corn picked from there field today too! Mostly I loved this fresh story for Erin and shelly! Fresh out! Loves it!

Easter weekend just passed. I was off good friday till May 3rd. Which is a nice little break! Took a wonderful little trip to Nwanedi nature reserve (feel free to google it). It was nice. My legs kill from all the kiking! But just gorgeous gorgeous view! Waterfall (which we saw but couldnt get up to bc of some water blocking the hiking path...but 2 people did brave walking through the water and made it to the falls. I was not one of those...snakes, gators, hippos...but mostly I just didnt want wet feet or socks...i already had blisters) Every morning we'd wake up with monkeys all over! One went into one of the rooms!!! They would grab any left over food. It was nice yet scarey...i mean they r wild animals. But they seemed pretty scared of us...but it was strange being watched by animals...maybe thats what the zoo feels like?!?! The whole weekend went well! It was stressful planning a trip for 16 people here in SA but I did it and it went off beautifully! (I was very proud of myself) However, I did fail bc I somehow just didnt take pictures of the weekend. Opps :/ I'll do better. I was just enjoying the moment and taking in the vistas. Also there was a dam their that was beautiful! I watched the sun rise on it and stretched one morning (made me think it was very zen/chie and made me think my dads friend jeff would have really enjoyed it...minus the hefty stair climb to get up there).

So upon my arrival home back to my village, my greeting was moving! My host brothers were soooo excited to see me! It was just sooo cute! The older one was not home when I got home so when he got home he knocked on my door just to say hi bc he was bursting with joy (noticibly so—it was so cute) they were soo excited. And their little friends. They ended up playing in my hut all night. First it was games on my computer, then it was my cellphone, then they took photos and video with my camera and actually did their own little photo shoot which was pretty darn funny!

I start my tutor for xitsonga on wed! So hopefully I should start speaking a little better. It was interesting to get with all the other volunteers to see where and with what others were struggling. I am just about the only one (of the 16 I was with this weekend) that cannot speak english at my org. but I feel that good bc I know i'd slack off and go back to english if I could. Its just easier and more comfortable. But I cannot wait to be more fluent in my language and hopefully my studying will get jump started here a little! On that note, I also hate people who pick up language naturally...i am in owe of them and wish I could. But some of the other volunteers just are naturals and sound soo great. But no worries 3 days a week 1.5 hrs a day...this village will regret teaching me their language once they realize how much I talk...once I have enough vocab to talk that much!

Also this week i've been stalking the NFL draft. Its hard being away...and yes cleveland browns is my culture. I try to explain it to people here! (I should also state i'm sitting in my hillis shirt typing this :O) On that note of having internet! I love my family SOOO much! But I think its funny how I dont talk to them for a week (less then a week actually) and they are all leaving lots of messages! Oh what if I didnt have internet or a cell phone??? how would they cope? Or would they just be used to not hearing from me? Well either way it doesnt matter bc I do! And I love being able to have little meaningless pointless back and forths with them....Welp as I am writing this...a goat peaked its head into my hut...which reminds me of a funny/scarey story.

So the night before my trip I am woken up by a noise of someone shaking my burglar bars trying to get into my hut. So my hut has burglar bars on all the windows and doors which is very nice and gives me a feeling of saftey—even though I feel pretty safe in my village and very little crime occurs here and no one drinks! So I hear this shaking of my burglar bars on my door. I'm like oh great. Well I give it a second but it doesnt stop so I call my host father. I hear footsteps away. I turn on my light and look outside no ones their. My host father turns on the outside light and tell me to call him again if I hear it again. Well so I cannot sleep at this point. And welp what do u know I hear the sounds of someone trying to break into my hut AGAIN! Oh great...but then I hear a baaa baaahhh baaa. Yup a goat was trying to kidnap me :) hahahah! I opened my door and about 20 goats were outside my hut with one with its horns inside my door trying to get in! Oh how quickly a slightly scarey situation turned hillarious...which is how most things work out here in south africa.

At the same time this week was a very moving and slightly I think changed my life forever type week. However I dont have the emotional energy to write about it now. But I will. Its all about health care, my career as a nurse, and hiv/aids.

My New Sunday Funday

My New Sunday Funday

So today was a interesting and very good day! I started off waking up early ( house was still locked) TGFB (thank god for buckets) Started off with a nice morning trip to my bedroom bucket! Then it was time to do wash! Martha Stewart eat your heart out! You've got nothing on me with my bar of soap and tub of water. I was very determined to get my clothes super clean and all stains out! It took a lot of elbow grease but I was very satisfied with how well my laundry came out. All by hand took a good amount of time. While hanging my laundry all the little kids were watching me (they also watched me wash it...laughing a lot) This really made me regret bringing my thongs :/ but oh well. Cultural exchange I guess...the little boys now know what kind of underwear and bras american girls wear! I did ask my host mom first if it was okay to hang my bra and panties outside and she said no problem...so I did! Then I cleaned my hut. I just cannot clean enough here! I clean down my table and sweep every day. And i've started scrubbing my floor on my hands and knees. This experience is gonna make me such a good house wife! I guess when all you have to do is clean u take pride in how clean ur house is...also there is sooo much dirt and cow poo everywhere ya just kinda have to clean often.

Then it was time to get clean up before going to church with Violet my coordinator at the HBC. However, my youngest brother ntivo saw me walking to the house with my towel and stopped playing with his friends and ran into the bathroom to bathe! Hahahaha I thought this was funny sooo something my real brother would have done! Beat me to the bathroom. So I went and read and waited for him to be done. Then I cleaned the tub and bathed. (following two little boys that play in the dirt a lot the tube is covered in mud and dirt I have to clean it a lot...but they are great kids!)

Next was ZCC Kereke (pronounced ZetCC and kereke means church). I had to cover all my arms, head and legs. I really want to learn how to tie a scarf pretty. All the women here wear them so beautifully I want someone to teach me. But I did it...it looked okay but it can book better! When violet picked me up I had a shirt that ended about 2 inches before my wrist...she made me but a longer sweater on to cover the skin that was showing. We got into her car to drive to the church. Her 13 year old son was driving!!! Yep! Actually he did very well and most women in my village well actually all the women in my village dont drive. My host mom is learning but she stalls out a lot! (its all stick here). If a family has a car the man drives. Also I dont think drives licenses are such a big deal...you just kinda drive if u want to. (Driving in SA is scary. Not only is it on the other side but speed limits, stop signs...u dont have to follow them. They are more just suggestions. Not to mention the dirt roads are bumpy and scary enough)

The church was very welcoming! The pastor welcomed me and had someone translate most of the service so I could understand which was super nice and the first time any church has done that for me (i've gone to 4 different churches in SA) The women sit on the ground, the men in chairs. They also separate into two groups before to sing. This church has profits...which are kinda weird/eccentric. They cry, yell out, shake etc. They kneel down, clap their hands loudly and with hangs clapped point toward you (if they get a vision or prophecy about you) and take u away to another area of the church to tell u this. The translator came with me and violet. They explained I could take the prophecy or choice not to and that it was up to me. We got on our hands and knees in a circle and she prayed for me and told me my prophecy. Basically, I am going to suffer because of my menstruation and I will have a intestinal sickness from it. (which is actually true...my period makes me have diarrhea and vomit). She said I must drink Toko tea with a pinch of salt and fish oil for 3 days. Then we went back to the service. She clapped at me AGAIN. She had someone write my prophecy down for me this time! Also at church a little girl walked by me saw me stopped and stared for about 10 minutes! Haha she was shocked to see a white person. Also the church is outside under a tree...which is kinda beautiful they pray under a single tree. The bathroom is bushes. I took pics/video of this all! Still cant figure out how to get it on here so its on FB.

Just a typical sunday in my vil (short for village). Oh how my sundays have changed! This evening, I am blogging, folded laundry, helped ntivo with his english homework, study language, read and go to bed! Oh and obviously drinking a TON of tea!

Also fun fact, its totally normal now for me to use my bra as my purse. Money, cellphone, key to house all go in it. Its just a safe place and always there. All the other women to it. Its just natural now.


So all in all great day! Might not sound like much but i learned and got to see alot! Everyday has new surprises!

Thoughts On Site After Two Weeks...

So i've been at my site now for two weeks! Its been very interesting so far. So today I went to a funeral with some coworkers. We left at 6 am. I have to cover my head (no hair showing), my arms and wear a skirt down to my ankles. I ate some sort of intestines after the funeral (not sure which animal) it wasnt bad. The funeral was pretty typical but here the whole village is invited and shows up. And everyone eats a lot after! I thought americans ate a lot. We've got nothing on south africans. They pile their plates! This little vakokwani (grandmother in Xitsonga) at my work eats sooo much everyday! She makes me laugh! Also my face is heavily breaking out bc they use soo much oil. I also eat with my hands so the oil stays on them too. The other night cooked for myself in my little house alone and didnt use a fork or knife...i used my hands and no one was even their to watch me. I felt so integrated! People in my village love to watch malungu (white person) eat with their hands.

The past two weeks i've been going to huts in my village with my coordinate. People in the village love to feed me! They all buy my cold drink(which is pop here...very popular but u buy these huge glass bottles and then return the bottle and get money back). Esp bc I cant just drink any water I need to boil and filter it. They also like to give me food and have me try their food. Sometimes off their plates. I know one day I will prob get severely sick from this but I dont want to be rude and these people have so little but think nothing of it to make sure I am feed and given cold drink to welcome me. One lady gave me peanuts! Which I have never seen in a garden just always bought them in a store. In the beginning of training as I was missing this I thought hum...cashews...and realized I sadly (cant believe i'm admitting this ) didnt know where they came from. Now I know!!! They grow in the dirt and little plants grow on top and u pick them out. Then the people here boil them and salt them. SOOO good. And slightly warm! This made me think of my dad. He is nuts! I mean he loves nuts! (love ya dad) But it was exciting to learn something new and my host mom said we can plant them so I can pick my own nuts! Ndzi rhandza timanga! I love peanuts!

Which brings me to my host family. The Ndlovus. Such a great family. I prob live with the richest family in my village. My mom and dad are teachers outside of my village at a private school. My two little brothers Ntsako and Ntivo 13,8 yrs old are so cute and well behaved! They also go to the private school. My host mom said they get a better education their. My host mom I love! I really lucked out! Not only does she help me but shes a friend! Shes 38 years old and 8 months pregnant!!!! She knows English pretty well. At first it was hard...but shes understanding english much better now that I am around. (english is taught in schools here all over south africa...however in my village most people dont know it enough to talk or understand me...also adults didnt get english bc of apartheid and the disparity for blacks in school) My host mom (mhani-mother in xitsonga) is great! She wants to learn to cook american! I made her and my brothers grilled cheese! She was funny and said shed get fat if she ate this all the time. I told her in the US pregnant women could eat whatever they wanted. This was especially funny to me as I thought of all those steak n shake runs I made for my prego sister before I left! Ummm steak n shake. Back to my host mom. Shes very understanding of my cultural differences and that everything is new here! It was hard to explain that I use a washer and dryer to wash clothes in the US and the poor people in the US do too. When everyone here washed clothes by hand. But shes great! She encourages me to use my language and is really good with helping me learn! And she asks if I studied and if I spoke xitsonga more each day. She stays on top of me which is good! Also my host mom and real mom got to talk on the phone today!!!! I also got to talk to my brother mikey! He asked if I was glad I came...though his tone sounded more hopeful I wouldnt be and would want to come home!

The language is going well. Last week at the end of the week I felt great! I was hearing and speaking xitsonga well I thought. I felt really good and a friend back in the US even spoke a little xitsonga back to me via facebook chat which was super encouraging and motivating! However this week I feel I didnt advance much. I can have simple convos with people but a nurse at the clinic asked me to explain why pregnant women should get the h1n1 vaccine and I felt helpless and lost/not to mention stupid. (esp being a nurse in the US this is something that should be easy in comfortable for me in a job setting) Also the first week in my village everyone spoke slowly to me remembering I was learning. This week everyone spoke much faster!!! So it was hard to hear them. Hearing it is the hardest part. Who would have thought I have trouble listening??? SHOCKING! But i've started having people read my flashcards to me and me saying the word back. That helps so hopefully this new study technique will help me! Everyone at work is very helpful with helping me learn the language. They all love seeing my flashcards and helping me practice. One women especially, Dorris is great! Shes helped me a lot in developing my language skills. She doesnt speak any english but can identify words. She really takes her time with me and pulls me aside so we can work! Its weird but the people that speak no english actually help me learn better sometimes then the people who do speak some. I think its because its comfortable for me to ask questions in english and resort to it when I dont know what to say. When I speak with a nonenglish knowing person I have to rely on my Xitsonga only. I expect each week will be differerent and I will have many highs and lows with my language. But I need to learn it! At my work I wont be able to do anything with out it.

I love my vakokwani (grandma)! Shes is great! A cute little lady and I adore her. She knows/speaks no english (on that note even kids and people who do know english usually will not speak it to me-not sure why). One day a bull tried to charge me (luckily someone yelled malungu (white person) so I knew to move). My vakokwani is funny! She said not even the bulls are used to a white person! She thought it was hilarious! Also I am going to try again to post pics but having trouble. I put some on my facebook page so feel free to look!

While I live with probly the richest family in my village. My village is very poor. I live on my host families property ina little who bedroom hut. I have a small fridge and toaster oven/hot plate combo, bed, chair, wardrobe and desk. My family has a facet or pipe that supplies municipality water to our yard (we r very lucky). So this means one pipe feeds all the water on the property. Most people in my village dont have access to this. Some use burr holes. Some go fetch water from people pipes. I actually have a toilet and a bathtub!!! but no warm water and its not like in the US. I uses as little water as possible as water does run out at times. I wet my body. Turn the water off. Clean (ps just cant get clean enough here. I scrub scrub scrub. People here actually use large stones to clean their feet! Its like their own little spa from all the dirt. And I cant get my ears clean enough). Then rinse. Maybe a inch of water in the tube. However this is in my host families house. So if they rnt home or the house is locked at night I bucket bathe in my house and use a bucket as my bathroom. Which by now is totally normal to me. Its weird how at first some things were so different and strange and now I dont think twice about them. Like eating with my hands, washing my hands in these basins of water with just water-thats how its done here. So thats my living situation...HOWEVER that is not typical of my village! I've been doing door to doors to learn about the people in my village and it is sooo sad. Toilets are one of two things... a pit latreen/outhouse (which usually is a little 2x2ft with a hole some u sit down on and some u stand on a squat down) or a field. Yep a lot of people in my village just dont have toilets. They just go outside. Most people here cook with fire outside or fire inside a roundavel designated for cooking. Most people eat pap (pronounced pop). Its maise meal or corn substance its white and sticky and u eat it with ur hands and u soak it up with like meat/veggies/broth. Most people eat pap, bread (a loaf at a sitting per person) and corn. Maybe veggies/fruit/meat on holidays or if they grew them in the garden. Diets here are horrible. I am trying to eat healthy to lead by example and the clinic/hbc (home based care) I work/volunteer at wants me to do a nutrition campaign. Having a cold drink and loaf of bread is what most women at my work eat for lunch. Lots of salt, oil, and butter in any veggies/meat. My host mom cooks very healthy though and very well! I love her pap! (its really sad but I now start to crave it when I havent had it in a while...its weird and disturbing to me)

I know this experience is about to get harder before it get easier. But I feel many ups and downs. I can be frustrated not speaking well and sick of people shoving food in my mouth and watching my every move and then someone so poor can make sure to give me nuts and a cold drink and welcome me and I feel regenerated and inspired! Also the kids here have no toys. The stores...dont sell toys. I am thinking now instead of getting carepackages for me or changing my tune to help the kids and maybe ask for like blow up beach balls, flimsy bases (I wanna teach kickball), balloons, the tennis ball thing u throw and the two circle things w/ velcrow...ya know small little things but when kids here use plastic bags from bread balled up into a soccer ball I figure if people r willing to send packages maybe I can make them more meaningful then cookies, books and tampons (although i'm sure i'll want that stuff too on bad days) but this is just a though I had. I bought a group of kids chips and cold drink today after helping me carry all my heavy stuff off the taxi to my house and they were more excited about it then any nice gift i've ever given to a child in the US.

Speaking of children. I MISS my sister and her little baby laya! But I am sooo excited that my host mom is having a baby. I feel its like god knew what I would miss in the US and gave it to me here to help. Also my brothers are about the age of my two little cousins jordan and nick which are sooo hard to be away from. But letters are great! Emails are great! I got a phone call from a friend lauren the other day that made my day! It woke me up at like 1am SA time but I didnt care! It was wonderful!!! Its nice being reconnected to the world and having internet but also it takes time away from studying and learning and there just isnt enough hours in the day here...esp since everything takes longer like washing clothes by hand etc etc. Its also kinda sad/happy to see what i'm missing out on. But I have to say I love my sister! She has soo many great questions and I know she just wants to know every detail! So when I finally figure out how to load pics i'lll have to apply captions as well!

Animal siting this week: woke up with a frog in my bed, a bat tried to fly at my head one night, oh and I saw my first cat! I also am loving that I have a little routine down with my parents! I had my phone on me all day today even in the bathroom bathing just incase they called (they usually do on the weekends) I was soo excited when they did! I tell my parents everything back in the states so there is a lot of stuff sometimes I just wanna pick up the phone and tell them. For example I was on a antimalaria med that gave me crazy dreams and some anxiety- I knew calling my dad would make me feel better bc he just understands bc he knows me so well and he did I felt fine after and switched off the medication onto another one that is working just fine. He asked all about my dreams and asked if I could control the crazy dreams etc. I knew hed make me feel better. Also, I like that my parents expect me to have up/downs and will just tell me that normal and to keep working at it-like with my language. My dad just gives the best advice. He says “there'll be times when u hate it and want to come home but just work through it”. It helps too that he lived in japan for 4 years so he knows what hes talking about! I am lucky to have such a great support system. Also, its not like I can vent and complain here like I would in the US. Since A. I cant talk in the language well enough to do that, B. it would be culturally insensitive C. I dont really have “friends” here like I would in the US but I do have other PCVs that I can connect with and talk with. Great group of people! I really like the people that are close to me! Things are just different here. Not bad but just different. Like when I go shopping. The ladies from work go with me bc they dont want me to be alone. They want to see everything I buy. Then when I get home the kids and my host mom want to see what I buy. People want to know what I eat. They wanna watch me eat. They wanna watch me clean. See my house. Watch me speak. I'm kinda famous in my village! Everyone knows my name-nyiko or malungu (white person) I respond to both. Being called white doenst really bother me. Once in a while it might but after 3 months of it...pretty use to it. Plus little kids r super cute! They love to say how r u! They dont know the response but they know its English and i'm white so i'll know it. They get soooo excited to see me! Its really kinda cool. But people just want to know me see what i'm reading, what i'm writing, what i'm studying, how I cook etc etc. a lot of cultural exchange going on. And I am really enjoying it too! Although...it would be nice to just go shopping not having everyone watching what ur buying. It was funny shampoo here is hard to find since i'm the only white person and everyone else uses oil. My boss just couldnt understand why I wouldnt buy the oil and put it in my hair! Haha. No one in my village really drinks either. It is a Christian village. And I am thankful no one really drinks (so far that i've seen...where I was staying before there were drunk people everywhere and its not like the US where drunks r in bars. Nope here they start at 6 am and are walking in the village talking to u, asking for money and marriage...so glad its not like that in my village) But I did buy some wine and got a recipe from another PCV on how to make homemade wine which i'm super excited about! I'm thinking apricot! (the fruits here are 100 times better than in the US) Also i've already devised a plan to boil water and sneak a water bottle of wine into the bathroom one night so I can have a little bubble bath and wine! I loved doing this at home and cant wait to do it here! I'm hoping maybe my aunt Maryjo will spare some of her vanilla bubble bath and send me some! I figure i'm already weird and white...glass of wine and a bubble bath is just one more thing my host family will think I am weird for doing. Oh well! I'm all about integrating but there are some things i'd like to keep from my culture! I am excited to start cooking too! I've already made no bake oat and peanut butter cookies! Very yummy! And cannot wait to try baking some bread! I bought some olive oil and basil and hoping to dip the bread in it! My wonderful friend ms. Erin socha (raig) sent me some recipes I can try here with my limited resources! What a great friend! And she always makes great bread! Welp I think thats all for today! Tomorrow I am going to church with a coworker! Keeping busy doing activities with coworkers and family! Really have very little down time. I love and miss everyone but having a great time and learning a lot about culture, poverty, aids, and myself. Here are just a few things to leave u with....

Interesting Things (Not good or bad just different)

-People here eat with their hands.

-Picking your nose in public totally normal. While in a convo w/ someone not rude or grouse

-“Polish” to clean floors here is made of cow manurer (yep poop) its their shangan (culture) polish

-People eat all of the apple (core too)

-People eat all of the animal. Head feet organs etc

-Oranges are called oranges here but they are yellow (taste the same)

-Cant show thighs but boobs are out all the time (ex: breast feeding is a public activity)

-People ask if I am related to Eddy Murphy

-People here tell me I will be black when I go home after two years of living here (and truly believe this)

-Toilet paper isnt in most public or home bathrooms in my village and in town u have to pay to use a bathroom (the things I took for granted in the us) (however my host family keeps tp in their bathroom, its easy to buy and when I use someone elses outhouse they always offer to give me some...so I think people just use it for number 2 here and drip dry for number 1)

-milk here sits out on shelves and only needs to be refrigerated once opened

Oh and on a more serious note: the effects of apartheid. Its really sad to see blatant racism. And when I go into town or see whites/blacks/coloured (people who arent white or black ex: indians) interact it is apparent. Its really sad and heart breaking to have a white or indian person talk down to one of my coworkers and then ask me how I can work with these people. They will talk to them like they are stupid then talk to me in a totally different tone/attitude. They are rude and cute them off too. Not to say this is everyone. South africa has made sooo many amazing strides in overcoming apartheid in such a short amount of time...but it is still sad and shocking when I see this in person. It is just not something I am used to in the U.S.. Also I visited a mentally ill person in my village. Its sad due to lack of resources she is locked in a room with just a mattress and a bowl of pap so shes cant hurt herself and put in depends. Her family takes good care of her but just so different from what someone whod is mentally ill in the US would get treated. She just scoots around the floor...shes also blind. Breaks my heart.

On a happy note: every sun rise and sun set here is breath taking. The sky at night its beautiful. The stars the moon. Just amazing. Africa is a beautiful country and i cant believe i get to call it home for the next two years! also i've started running in the morning! which is exciting to me!